What’s done is done.  I realize that I have been fighting for something that I have already lost in so many ways. My children have been lost. There is no chance of a happy ending. At this point there is no chance for a happy anything I am sad to say.

While the fundraiser successfully retained a lawyer, I was once again disappointed with the lack of effort placed into the case.  At the one and only emergency hearing that I could afford, The Honorable Judge Helenger looked at my attorney and asked her if she had read the final decision in my divorce. He was angry that she would sit next to me, and bring this case before the court again.

Five witnesses sat in the waiting room, but were not permitted to testify.

“What does the mother now do for a living?” The judge asked my attorney.  She was unable to answer. She did not say that I have worked at two separate minimum wage paying jobs to appease the court. She did not mention the many emails that I sent to her to inform her that I had entered into a partnership to begin a Multi Media Production company offering web design and produced commercial advertising.

She looked up at the judge and said I will defer to my client to tell you what she does for a living. He was angry and said “No, I want you to tell me.”  She couldn’t answer. The look on the judges face as she stumbled for answers said one thing loud and clear.

His face said that she stumbled for words because I was lying. She didn’t know what I did because I was and always will be a whore.

The issue was not addressed at the Emergency Hearing. It was set for trial.  Despite my best efforts, I could not pay for the attorney to go to trial.  I raised enough money for the retainer,  but minimum wage could not fight the good fight.  I still owe $2500 in addition to the money that was already raised.

You may wonder as I often have why I didn’t scream louder, organize another fundraiser, work three minimum wage jobs to further my case.

The truth is that I realized that I am fighting for something that has already been lost. Two of my children are independent adults now, and my youngest is no longer the little girl that cried for her mommy.  She is now a troubled fourteen year old. After the incident occurred, her father began a campaign to win her over and turn her against me again. He love bombed her, and I eventually learned of an elaborate plan to relocate her to another city.

What do you do when the children that you are fighting for look at you and say I want to live with Dad? The same dad whose drunken rampage resulted in the child threatening to run away. Cuts up and down her arms and legs. Kidnapping charges against me and two friends that picked her up that night. Her father gave permission but in his blackout failed to remember where she had gone.  My son was 18 and witnessed him agree that she leave but no judge would listen to witnesses.

No judge cared that in that blackout she was told again and again “This is all YOUR fault! I have to take time of of work every week to take you to therapy!” No judge cared that her cutting was known to her father, friends parents, and no medical attention was sought. No judge cared that despite YEARS of court orders demanding that he take the children to therapy that it never happened until I took her myself and lied to the hospital stating that I had custody and permission to seek treatment when the court order clearly states otherwise. have been prevented from receiving her medical records, consulting with physicians, or following up with her therapists.  I last spoke to a counselor when he became so abusive to me on the phone that he was screaming things right in front of my daughter. Screaming that I am a whore, a cunt, that he hates me and wishes I was dead.  I went to the therapist to address the fact that abusing me is no longer an option and that we had to work together to raise our daughter.

Alone the therapist agreed with me. Once my ex entered the room she changed her story and said this isn’t about he and I. It is about our daughter and the past is the past. How is the past the past if it is earlier that week?

There are options for women in relationships that are abusive but little seems to matter when the abuse occurs even post divorce.

My daughter no longer wants to visit with me. It became clear that he intensified his efforts at parental alienation, and making life so pleasant and easy at his house with little supervision or rules to follow.

There is no way that I can fund the legal battle. That just isn’t an option. So what are my options? I am not sure. For months I have been struggling tremendously with the realization that there will be no happy ending. The damage has been done, and there is no amount of therapy that can return the time that was taken from us.

My identity was stolen from me. I am no longer a mother. I have no children left to love me. My name is no longer Mom. Who am I then? What will I do next?



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